Jackie Harkness
by Unknown-Bliss
Summary: Ianto didn't want to go out. He had work to do and he knew Jack would be innapropriate. Plus, he was never at ease being out with other guys. Jack finds a not-so-simple solution for his problem. Ianto sees a side of Jack that he never wanted to see. Janto


…**This idea came out of nowhere, really. I was at the Oktoberfest with my mother, brother, and grandmother and this idea was sparked. It started with two people I saw. I thought, "Those people look like they're going to just start makin' out like there's no tomorrow." Then it went to, "I wonder what it would be like if Jack and Ianto were there?" Then, "Some people might not be too happy about two guys with their tongues down each others' throats." Finally, "Y'know, I bet Jack would find a way to fix that." And this was born…**_** I**_** thought it was funny… JANTO!**

**Disclaimer: Torchwood, Jack, and Ianto belong, not to me, but to RTD and the BBC. (I rhymed… tee hee.)**

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Ianto flat out refused. He refused to go to the pub. It's not that he didn't like the pub or anything, but he had work to do, and at some point Jack would probably do some inappropriate act to him. That made Ianto uncomfortable. Ever since the fiasco with his first boyfriend (and last until Jack), Ianto did not enjoy public displays of affection, in particular, ones with other men. It wasn't like he was ashamed of being bisexual or anything. The repercussions were just not something he relished.

"Please?" Jack begged. He was on his knees, hands clasped together.

Ianto pushed his lover's head away, turning back to the paperwork. The tourist centre was, of course, empty, save for the disgruntled Welshman and the immortal captain.

"No!" Ianto barked tersely.

"But why?" Jack whined.

Ianto glared. "You know exactly why!"

"But I want to go out with you tonight! Y'know, a nice time at the pub, and maybe something afterwards?"

"Afterwards? Knowing you, you'd probably strip me down and throw me on the table the moment we got in there!" Ianto snorted.

"Of course I wouldn't!" Jack said, altogether unconvincing. Ianto simply turned his head away and focused on the papers.

Jack was silent. Suddenly, he jumped to his feet, running to his office. Ianto's eyes followed him closely. The captain grabbed his coat and hurried to Ianto. He grabbed his face between his large hands and planted a kiss on the Welshman's lips.

"I'll be back! I have an idea. Meet me at the pub in half an hour. Please. I want to have a night out with you, and I think I have a way to make it better!" Without another word, he threw open the door, nearly leaping through it. "Half and hour!" he called once more. He was gone a second later.

Ianto sat there silently, debating if it was a good idea to go. He sighed. He wouldn't let Jack down. He never could. Shaking his head, he couldn't help but wonder what Jack was up to.

Twenty-five minutes later, Ianto sat at the pub alone, waiting. Jack, if he was true to his word, would be there in less than five minutes. In the meantime, Ianto ordered two drinks: water for Jack and a beer for him; his only one for the night. There was no way Ianto would get drunk. Being drunk was not fun at all. His only experience of consuming too much alcohol led to him waking up in bed with one of the pub waitresses. Everything before that was a blur. Ianto shuddered, remembering his utter confusion. With only thirty seconds to go, Ianto was pretty sure Jack would be late. He'd get to scold Jack a bit for that. He loved doing that.

There was a tap on his shoulder and an unnaturally high voice said, "May I join you?"

Ianto turned slightly, seeing a pair of stiletto heels. "I'm sorry, but I'm waiting for some-"

"I know," the voice said, suddenly octaves lower and very familiar.

Ianto choked, nearly falling out of his chair. "JACK?!" The first thing he noticed: fishnet stockings.

"The name's Jackie, love," the man crooned seductively. He was sporting an extremely tight black miniskirt and a deep purple crop top. He also had a shoulder length curly brunette wig on. His face was covered with liberally applied makeup.

Ianto stared, wide-eyed. "What the hell, Jack?!" he cried.

"Well," "Jackie" began, "I know how uncomfortable you are when we go out, and you don't like people staring, so I thought this might help."

"How will this help? God, Jack! You look like you belong in a brothel!" Ianto sputtered, his cheeks reddening at the shortness of Jack's skirt.

"People will think you're with a woman… albeit a very masculine woman…" Jack chuckled, sitting down across from Ianto. He grabbed the water and downed it in a single gulp.

Ianto was speechless. Sure, he appreciated Jack's attempt to make things more comfortable, but that was pretty much impossible now that Jack looked like a 20 quid prostitute. He did not make a very good woman. And yet, Ianto could not tear his eyes away from Jack's chest. One thing he noticed were the bold black lettering that said, 'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' and the other was how his obviously male lover suddenly was very well endowed.

"Jack… what are those?"

"Oh, these?" Jack looked down at his new breasts. He stuck a hand in his shirt pulling out a round object. "It's a grapefruit wrapped in a towel. I supposed you'd want a busty woman."

Ianto groaned, burying his face in his hands. Grapefruit. He had a cross-dressing lover with grapefruit breasts. _Wonderful._

"Did I go too far?" Jack asked pitifully.

Ianto, face still covered, held up one hand. He spread his thumb and first finger a part slightly. "A bit," he moaned.

Jack sniffed. "I-I j-j-just w-wanted to m-make you h-h-happy!" he fake sobbed, his voice high again. Ianto looked up to see Jack's shoulders shaking while he blew his nose loudly in a hanky.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "I take that back. _This_ is going too far."

Jack continued bawling. He looked up at Ianto, pouting. "Won't my big handsome man comfort me?" he asked, adding a small tremor to his voice.

Ianto glared at him and promptly stood up. Maybe getting drunk wasn't such a bad idea. At least then Jack would look semi-attractive in the form-fitting shirt and skirt. He strode to the bar, ordering another beer. He leaned on the counter, waiting. Jack came up behind him and delicately placed both hands on Ianto's shoulder. He leaned in close to the Welshman. The heat radiated off Jack, though the wig was scratching Ianto's face uncomfortably.

"Honey-bear, are you going to get me something?" Jack uttered softly. He grinned, noticing Ianto's deep scowl.

When the barman came back with the beer, he nearly dropped it. He stood stunned, staring at Jack with a slightly dumbfound look. Ianto frowned. He took the beer, and leaving Jack behind, he returned to his seat. Soon after, Jack followed, almost skipping.

"How can you possibly move around in those?" Ianto pointed to the high heels.

Jack shrugged. "I've lived long enough to be good at everything."

Ianto took a swig of beer, trying not to think of all the things Jack was good at. He realized that so far, he _wasn't_ uncomfortable in the least, but more or less frustrated with Jack. Was that his master plan to get Ianto worked up? He wouldn't put it past the Captain. Glancing up, he saw Jack playing with a strand of hair, smiling. It was slightly annoying how much he seemed to be enjoying this.

"You're loving this, aren't you?"

"More than I should," Jack admitted, grinning. "It was a kind gesture on my part, but I didn't think it's be this fun."

Ianto shook his head, sighing. "Why do I always fall for the screwed up guys?"

"Because we happen to be the sexiest minority," Jack pointed out. He leaned closer to Ianto, leaving little space between their faces. "Wouldn't you agree?" He leaned in quickly, stealing a kiss.

Ianto grinned, "Under normal circumstances, yes, but have you actually looked at yourself in a mirror?"

"Yes. I wanted to look good for you," he replied.

"You make a terrible woman."

"That's probably because I simply _exude_ masculinity. 51st century hormones and all that."

Ianto shook his head, smirking. He found that he really didn't mind that Jack had come here in a skirt. He tried to appreciate how Jack did this for him. It was a kind, albeit bizarre act.

"Have you stopped caring yet?" Jack asked, bored. He was scrutinizing his fingernails in an effeminate way.

"Yes."

"Good, because I want to do something fun!"

"What exactly do you propose?"

"You'll see…"

* * *

Gwen wasn't sure why they stayed late. Perhaps they were waiting for Jack. It was past midnight already, and the man was no where to be found. Perhaps they thought getting some extra work done now would give them some time to relax in the future. Either way, they decided to stay after hours.

"When d'you suppose Jack will be back?" Owen asked, spinning around in his chair.

"It shouldn't be too long now. He never usually leaves for lengthy time periods without telling us," Toshiko replied, typing away.

Gwen set to work, finishing every bit of work she had left to do. Not bad.

None of the three looked up as the lift began its descent ten minutes later. Though, as it reached the bottom, Gwen was wondering why Jack was so silent. She glanced at the lowering block of concrete. "What took you so long-? IANTO?!" she shrieked, eyes wide.

Ianto currently was snogging an unidentified, very tall, and non-Torchwood woman. At the sound of his name, Ianto pulled away from the woman, staring at Gwen.

"Oh, you're still here? It's…" he glanced at his watch, "…past midnight. You should all be home by now."

"That's beside the point!" Gwen cried.

"Who the hell is that, tea-boy?!" Owen called. "You can't do that!"

"Hey!" The "woman" glared at them. "He's allowed to do whatever he wants!"

"Wait… JACK?!" Gwen looked closed to a mental breakdown. Tosh was staring at them, mouth agape.

"I… I think I just… died…" Owen gagged.

"Oh, sorry," Ianto said. He began wiping off the cheap lipstick that was smeared all over his mouth. "Let me introduce you to my date, Jackie Harkness." He lightly stepped off the lift, chuckling. Behind him, Jack giggled. He hoped off the lift after the Welshman. He strutted after Ianto, winking at Owen as he passed. The medic near collapsed.

"Is this some sort of sick fetish of yours, Jones?" Owen cried.

"Not my idea!" he chortled, heading up to the coffee machine. "Would you like some coffee, Jackie?" Ianto offered sweetly.

"Ooh, that'd be wonderful, love!" Jack cackled, his voice in "Jackie-mode."

"Y'know, I think that bartender fancied you," Ianto called to Jack, ignoring the three other people in the Hub. They watched in fascination and more than just a little disgust.

The captain nodded. "I agree. I think you might have to teach him a lesson." Jack breath hitched, and he began howling with laughter. Ianto was doubled over, holding the counter for support. He was trying his hardest not to erupt into a fit of giggles.

Gwen, Owen, and Toshiko had not moved once. They weren't sure whether to be amused, or to institutionalize their boss and tea-boy.

Finally, Owen spoke up shakily, "I think I need some sleep."

"Me too," Gwen agreed, hurrying to get going.

"Sleep sounds nice," Toshiko commented.

After some packing up, the other three were out through the cog door in a flash.

Jack stared after them. "Well, that was easier than I thought," he said, disappointment tainting his words.

"Pay up," Ianto demanded, traveling down the stairs with fresh coffee.

"Dammit, I really am a 20 quid prostitute!" Jack swore, handing Ianto the bill.

"Except for the fact that _you_ have to pay_ me_." Ianto stuffed the paper in his pocket, grinning.

"I bet you can't wait to get me out of these completely horrendous clothing," Jack said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at Ianto.

"You're right. I think they look terrible. Purple is not your color."

**

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**

This took longer, and turned out longer than I expected it to. So was it disturbing, utterly hilarious, or what?

**Today during school, I drew a picture of Miss Jackie Harkness, and I should be able to post it on my DA account soon. Check my profile.**

**Review, please!**


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